Reflecting on my life,
I cried a tear
wanting to know what I had accomplished,
the work I had done had it made a difference?
My existence seems of little value,
being truly expendable.
Would there be something left of me, something
when I left this world.
Friends and family say I have made
influence on their lives.
I am neither rich nor famous.
I often think myself a failure, yet
they seem to see something in me that
I can not accept as having any true worth.
So much I would have wanted to do, or
do differently. Things I would have said ,
or not said. There is so much I have learned
and yet often repeat the same mistakes.
I seem to be able to see in others
what I can not see in myself.
Why is the mirror of my soul clear and shiny
to others, while it is dark
and cloudy to me?
I cried a tear, wanting to be better than what I am,
knowing that much will not change,
it is a part of me that does not alter.
Time is growing shorter and still my life is
not what it should be...to me.
I feel love around me, I have lost love and
I have found love.
Broken dreams and feelings I have denied.
Lost and confused much of the time I have
traveled the road of life. A heart
that can mend with a kind word and be
broken again with neglect.
I have been blessed in so
with the love of my family and friends.
Gifts of love and friendship I have tried
to repay and honor with my faithfulness
to each love given so freely.
Talent and skills, accomplishments that
others look at with respect.
Things I have enjoyed doing, poured
myself into trying to
excel at each one.
Yet when I judge my life I see a rose
bloomed and could not see the beauty of itself.
The bud unfolded and revealed itself
mature and radiant.
The petals so
soft they were easily damaged,
yet with thorns that has allowed my survival.
often being called a survivor, as if this
were an honor or a tribute of some kind.
To me this has meant a long series of
struggles, hurdles and worries.
What is it that my heart wants then?
It is not that I have not had some
measure of success.
My children are my
I see in them a new beginning.
I wish them the happiness that I have
had by them being in my life.
Friends I wish only the best and most
wonderful joys of life.
Each I hold in a special place in my heart
and feel so unique that we have met, shared
laughter and tears, confided our inner thoughts.
I have tried to
express my fears of my own
lack of self worth to them and they do
not see what I see or feel.
Each has been supportive and
that they see in me something of value.
To the point that it becomes embarrassing
to try to talk about my feelings.
I do not seek compliments from others.
I cried a
tear, looking for the honesty
in judging my life. I have heard all the words
and they have been very kind and generous.
Where do I go from here? What time is left?
Will there be a chance to right the wrongs,
now or in another life?
What do I want from life?
To be happy, at peace with myself
and to harm no one.
I want to share the humor that is in my heart.
I know I can make others smile,
even when it seems the hardest thing
for me to do myself.
I want to give love and be loved.
I cried a tear, feeling the loneliness,
the unfulfilled part of my soul cries out
to be made whole.
The power is in ourselves to be happy
and complete... so it is said.
Why then when I can be so much to others
that I can not be a friend to myself.
Unconditional love instead of a critic.
I cried a
tear, not knowing how to change life,
to live it as I would like to... this is my failure.
Wanting what I am not sure how to
define or describe .
Knowing only that I have a need for more.
I cried a
tear, and in doing so mourn the lost time,
the hurts that have been too harsh,
the road that has been too long.
The hopelessness of many attempts that have
not led to the success of acceptance of myself.
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September 5, 2004
Updated: October 13, 2008